4.3.13

I don't really know. I want to be something. I have this longing inside me. Its the longing that makes me dance when I hear music. That made me stay up all night high off of two double strength rock stars and five exedrin a night to write a paper and go above and beyond in the research along the way my sophmore year in college. That makes the lyrics, "it's better to burn out than to fade away" resonate with me. That made me go to the crazy ass house with the blue lights. That made me try weed ten times or so before I finally came to terms with the fact that I didn't actually like it. That made me go to the bardot to rage to booze and music and people. That made me smoke a pack of camel crush's with my headphones in my ears on a heartbroken summer night listening to Lyyke Li, "Little Bit" auto-erotique remix. The kind of thing that makes me stay up late when I have to wake up early for no reason other than I want to. That makes me listen to techno music, and that used to cause me to listen to screamo. That makes me want to dress up and wear heels and lipstick and make my hair look so damn amazing. That makes me buy new clothes. That is somewhat satisfied by the tingling sensation of subversiveness. Of booze flowing through your blood vessels, pounding beneath your tainted eyelids. For the moment when something is so gorgeous it aches. When something is so sublime that you run away in terror. This longing rage that floats about in my gut grasping at everything that might make me feel alive.