5.24.13

 I've been recently thinking a lot about how my food restrictions are liberating. At first when I found out I had celiac disease a long with other food intolerance's  I thought, I can never eat again. I had anger, frustration, etc. Looking back from now though, I am so amazed by the transformation that has taken place. I no longer feel sick when I eat, most of the time. Being full is not painful, it is comfortable and nice. I have not had a struggle with how much I eat on a regular basis in a long time. My clothes feel comfortable, and I also think it helps that I hardly ever see myself in a full length mirror cuz ours is behind the door, so I don't just look at myself in passing like I always did in the dorms and at home. Being restricted in my eating has resulted in my freedom not only to eat, but ironically, to eat more. Also, because the food I do eat is so healthy (good fats, unrefined sugars, low sodium) it's the kind of food that doesn't cause weight gain or bloating, so even though I've been eating more, I still fit in my clothes, so I'd like to think that means I haven't gained weight. I still don't plan on going on the scale anytime soon though, just in case not.

5/6/13

I can't remember what I read the way it doesn't matter which meal you ate on whatever particular day last year or last week or last night when you were famished. It was food and there was at least something settling in that gaping hole. I can't really remember what I read other than the phrase, "In him we dwell." but my stormy heart/mind were somewhat anchored by it. My thoughts are like looking out this train window at the passing ground, but at least I'm on a chair now, on the inside of that train, whereas before I alternated between hanging onto the window by my fingertips or balancing atop it tumbling and trembling like a skeletal leaf.